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Anakin - RotS, Anakin, Anakin - black & white

SW ficlet: how to be a perfect jedi (PG; Anakin)

Title: how to be a perfect jedi
Author: Gwinna
Fandom: Star Wars
Rating: PG/K+
Characters: Anakin, mentions of Obi-Wan and Palpatine
Genre: Gen, plotless introspection
Summary: Anakin hates that Obi-Wan never gets angry.

A/N: So, after eight years of writer’s block, I’ve managed to write a fanfic for the first time. Well, more like a ficlet. It’s super short and far from perfect, but I’m just going to go ahead and post it and hopefully move on to the next thing. Seriously, you have no idea how happy I am to have written even some trivial thing like this.


how to be a perfect jedi


Obi-Wan never gets angry with him, never raises his voice or curses or cuffs him the way Watto used to. He just sighs and looks grave, or at most impatient.

“I’m not angry at you, Anakin. Merely disappointed,” he always says, and it always makes Anakin want to scream. Obi-Wan makes it sound like anger is a lightsaber, and disappointment is a lightsaber set in training mode or something. Like he’s too perfect of a Jedi to feel anger, but Anakin’s transgressions are too egregious not to warrant some kind of negative emotion. Like he doesn’t know his restraint only makes the reproof more crushing, because it serves to illustrate just how far Anakin falls short.

Anakin hates disappointing Obi-Wan, even as he can’t seem to stop doing it. Sometimes he tries to imagine what it would be like to be the Jedi Obi-Wan and the Council want him to be. Anakin Skywalker, cool, composed, rational. Never acting without thinking. Feeling nothing for his fellow beings beyond a sense of detached compassion.

Not missing his mother, not caring that he might never see her again. Watching people suffer and die when bending the rules might have prevented it.

Whenever he imagines this, he finds it is something he cannot even wish to be. The thought makes him feel vaguely guilty, as though he’s being somehow disloyal towards Obi-Wan.

He remembers something Palpatine told him once, early in his apprenticeship when he wanted to run away from the Temple, back home to Mom. “It is unfortunate,” Palpatine had said, “that neither the Jedi Order, nor the Senate, nor the galaxy as a whole are what we would wish them to be. But you have a choice, Anakin, whether to run away and lose the opportunity to effect change – or to become the type of Jedi you dreamed of.”

He imagines the Jedi Order as he wishes it would be. He thinks about freeing the slaves, and bringing Mom to live with him. Then he pictures playing pranks on the Council members, and Obi-Wan yelling and cursing as he chases him up and down the halls of the Temple, and he laughs.

This entry was originally posted at http://gwinna.dreamwidth.org/5208.html. Comment here or there, whichever you prefer.

Comments

Congrats on busting out of that writer's block! Eight years?? I thought my three years was bad!

I really like it! It feels very in character, very much his voice. And it illustrates the vast difference between the two of them. "Sense of detached compassion" indeed. Oh, the Jedi Order was so flawed! I like Palpatine's advice to him too. "Stay and become a Sith if you don't like the Jedi." Hehe, well, I'm paraphrasing...

I can't help but smile at the ending, too. How many of us have expressed a desire to see such a "fun" side of the Jedi Order through fanfic and RP?

Nice entrance back into fic-land, Gwinna!
Hi luminations, so sorry I never replied to your comment on my fic! I definitely appreciated hearing from you though.

And yeah, I see Obi-Wan as sort of the model Jedi, who exemplifies both the nobility and the flaws of the Jedi Order in the PT. I think Anakin recognizes this but also has a very different idea of what the Jedi should be like.

What's fun about Palpatine is that he is capable of giving actual good advice which is at the same time completely self-serving.

Thanks for your comment, and sorry again for taking months to reply! I really have no excuse.
Oh no worries! I see you wrote another one, will read that later too :)

I'm reading the Darth Plagueis novel, have you read it? Not sure if you read any EU. I don't read much myself but I couldn't resist this one, I knew it would have Palpatine in it and evil Sithly deliciousness, haha. So far so good.